Commitment

Last weekend Sean and I celebrated 5 years of marriage. We had a much-needed weekend at Sodwana Bay in South Africa. We snorkeled, scuba dove, laid on the beach, stayed at a fabulous house for cheap, ate lots of pizza, completed our anniversary book, and relaxed. And. It. Was. Good.
I wish I could say these 5 years have been blissful. Maybe Year One was. Certainly Year Five wasn’t. Now I’m being for real, folks. When people say, “Marriage is hard.” They don’t mean hard like sometimes you’ll want to cry. They don’t mean hard like birthing a child out of your body. And they don’t mean hard like smashing your face against a rock. No. No, they mean hard like What if I killed my husband and went to jail for it? Yah that’d be easier than this. They mean hard like a natural disaster wiping out everything you own. They meant hard like death.
Lately, Sean helped me see how much I complain. How I groan and moan and bemoan the weather or work or a cup of tea too cold. I blame this on my family laughing at me when I was a child, of course. I’d get all dramatic and dump a giant glass of milk on my head because I was jealous of my little sister getting attention. And they would laugh. I’d moan as a teenager that “my life could not be harder if I was orphaned and shipwrecked on an island inhabited by man-eating baboons. ” And they would laugh. So clearly, I figured I was pretty funny.
Except somewhere my dramatics-for-humor turned into something serious. And it grates on my man’s ever-loving nerve. So he told me (fair enough I asked!) And I’ve been working on it. I’ll catch myself complaining, stop myself. Or if words coming racing out without my control, I’ll stop and apologize. I complain a lot. Ugh. But it’s funny what you’ll do for someone you’re committed too.
There were several fights we had where I thought, “Lord have mercy. Is he going to give up on me? Am I going to give up on him?” But we didn’t. We won’t. We had to repeat it. Through screaming voices or gushing tears, we would say, “I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I’M NOT GIVING UP, BUT YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!” or “I SERIOUSLY HATE YOU RIGHT NOW, BUT I WONT LEAVE YOU.” [for the record, declaring hatred was one of my low points, I admit. I sucked pretty bad right then. I don’t recommend telling anyone you hate them, let alone someone you actually love.]
Sometimes we let things get really ugly. Our selfishness clouds our vision. Our pride draws a blanket over our charging bodies and it causes big bruises. It causes serious hurt and sadness and disappointment. I hope no one knows what I’m talking about, but I fear too many will. It’s ok. When you open yourself up so wholly to another being, it’s meant to not always be easy. Vulnerable isn’t ice cream and a beach.
But when you’re committed. When your partner is committed. To making it work. To sticking it out. To apologizing and forgiving. Then it’ll be okay. At the end of the day, I should just be good to Sean because if we’re stuck together, we might as well make it enjoyable.
And so we’re learning how to be good to each other. I’m learning patience and positive speech. Sean’s learning to listen and patience and grace. [my family didn’t even know how to warn this poor sob about what he was getting into when he asked to marry me!]
And another thang – it’s really important that when you hate your spouse (again, not recommended!) that you speak to someone who will honor them. Who will encourage you towards marriage. Will hold none of the horrible things you say against you or your spouse. Having someone to speak to is important to me. My sister tends to talk me down off ledges. OR in talking to her, I realize I already launched myself off a ledge and can hop back Into line before I get too crazy. And it’s great. Because my sister knows I’m just as much a schmuck as Sean. And Sean’s just as great as I am. And she forgets the horrible things I say and holds nothing against me or my fabulous husband. For real. Because I do the same for her. And when I say, “Dude. Pray for my marriage. It sucks.” She does. She will. And it helps. And she’s never going to plant lies in my head, or whisper temptations about divorce or ‘you deserve better’ crap.
So I say to you. Marriage is hard. Hard like head-banging against concrete is easy. Commitment gives lungs and legs to a marriage – allowing it to grow, begin anew, and move on. Be someone who not only upholds the marriage commitment for yourself, but for those around you. Help each other out. You’re just as screwed up as I am (at least this thought helps me through the day), so ain’t no shame. And for heaven’s sakes, go on a long get-away weekend. Anniversary or not.