To the Girl Whose Marriage is Hard

Dear you, 

So you think your marriage is hard? You’re feeling hopeless? You’re struggling? You don’t feel as loved as you need? You don’t respect him as much he needs?

Well. You’ve got it. Marriage IS hard. It may the the hardest thing you do in this life. In what other relationship, realm or job do you open yourself up so wholly, get hurt, be brave, then try once more over and over and over again? Because you do. You know you made a promise. You know you committed to forever, but right now just seems … so… tough! 

Marriage is so hard because it takes two broken people and wraps them all up in each others’ space and business, dreams and toothbrush ing time for heaven’s sake! He’s broken. You certainly are broken. You’re both in need of radical grace, forgiveness and love. But seriously?! If you can’t muster that for him, can you expect him to muster it for you? 

Don’t forget the key. The final puzzle piece. Or maybe it’s the first one. God. Without the Lord all wrapped up in yall, all wrapped up in each others’ toothbrushes and dreams, you. Ain’t. Going. Nowhere. As much as you long to be in the business of fixing yourself, fixing him – cuz I know you have ideas of how to fix him up – and making you guys awesome, you are not the Restorer. 

When was the last time you resurrected the dead? Or even baked a perfect cupcake? You cannot fix yourselves. But the Lord can. And He’s really, really skilled at it. He wants to restore you both. He wants to heal you from childhood pains, sexual sin, cycles of shame, rhythms of neglecting, wounding words, fearful doubts and distrusting spirits. He wants to make all things new. In your heart. And in YOUR HEARTS. 

But, girl, it might get ugly before it gets pretty. You might cry messy tears. Yall might fight some nasty battles. Remember the Enemy you’re fighting is not the man standing infront of you, but the Evil One sneaking about. Remember you and this groom of yours are on the same team. You have children to raise and bless with peace. You have a happy, real, supporting, loving home to foster. You have sushi to eat and beaches to surf. You have guests to hosts and cheesy popcorn to devour while snuggling under blankets. You have decades of pillow talk … and sex. You’ve got weekends away, anniversaries, weddings to attend, graduations to celebrate and dreams to celebrate. You have gardens to grow and children to nourish. But first. 

You have this man you live with. Who’s working. Who’s trying. Who’s aware of his flaws and asking for your patience. It’s only getting a bit ugly because there’s a whole heck of pretty coming. You’ve made such progress. Yall have grown. Remember 6 months ago? Two years ago? Imagine how things can be in 2 more months. Go on. Hold your breath for a moment. Savor these sweet growing pains. But exhale. And inhale. And write down all you’re grateful for. Meditate over that. And God’s promises. 

Because, Girl, your marriage is tough, but you guys are, too. And it’s so, so worth it. 

Trust me. 

Categories: Family Life, Kingdom Coming Related | Tags: | 2 Comments

Letting Go


For the longest time, I wouldn’t do yoga unless I had a quiet corner to myself. Then I gloriously became a mom and my mat sat in the corner more because I refused to let go of my expectations of yoga. I wanted it to look and feel and be a certain things it had been in my past. I wanted long, sweaty sessions that pushed my mind and stilled my body. I wanted to be lead through a class, not lead myself.

 When you’re working on a standing balance, arm balance or a pose that challenges you, the moment when you start to celebrate too much, worship the end (having it perfect) too much or forget to breathe in the pose, YOU LOSE IT. You’ll fall short. You’ll weaken. But when you loosely hold the idea, the dream, or the pose; you picture it in your mind, but it’s held loose with open, easy hands. THAT is when you’ll stick it and have a great chance to being present for longer. When your focus is steady, yet calm and undesperate, you’re able to weather wobbles, slight adjustments, or quivering muscles. When your focus is calm, your balance follows. With a furrowed, intense brow; or a wandering eye, you. Will. Fall. You will come out of the pose. Of course, that’s fine. We like falling and trying once more in yoga. But it’s also liberating when you hit that sweet spot, that moment when you’re calm, focused, balanced and the stars align in your body for the pose that feels so right. 

I love that my daughter comes to climb and crawl and pull and move with me when I do yoga once I finally let go of who yoga was “supposed” to be or do for me. I still love yoga in my own time, alone. However, I’m more and more happy to share 15 minutes of a practice with her. There is something silly, special and then sacred as I move through poses and she “chases” me. In plank, I hover over her as she crawls from under my head to under my feet. I open to side plank and she rolls over into the ground to gaze up at me and giggle. In forward fold, she peeks her head in between my legs from behind to spy on me breathing upside down. Child’s pose is her favorite I think, because with my shins under thighs, my torso resting on my thighs, and all that plus my forehead collapsing in a fetal-like position as the ground holds me, I hold her. She crawls into my back. Giggles. Falls off. Practices standing on me. Surfs. Giggles. Falls off. Her toes and fingers knead my lower back in a massage. Her 20 some pounds adds the right touch of pressure to help me really relax and sink deeper to the ground. We both love it. 

While I did this pose, the view from INSIDE my body was beautiful. I felt radiant, glorious, strong, balanced, graceful, like I could hold it forever. I loved having her with me. I love the symbols of strength and incorporating all parts of what I love together. I love yoga in our new room. I love moving my 19-week pregnant body. I love that I could find my calm focus amidst the minion on my leg. 

And then I looked at this photo & chuckled because my form isn’t great. I’m not standing as tall as I thought. My hair is kind of a wreck. There’s a lot someone could photoshop. But I won’t. I didn’t. Because even if it looks different on the outside, from the inside, the pose felt perfect and glorious. And I’ll choose to hold on to that memory and let go of any others. 


Categories: Uncategorized | 7 Comments

A [delayed] Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day weekend we spent rock climbing with friends and freezing in our tent. While we had fun, it was a bit tiring for a weekend, but I was happy being surrounded by friends and enjoying the outdoors with Cedar and Sean. I was surprised when Sean told me, “I’m going to treat you to a Mother’s Day make up, since we didn’t do anything too special on the real day.” Not one to deny a treat, I quickly agreed.

Sean had recalled my comment from months before of “If you ever want to treat me, you can take me to Forresters Arm for a night.” So off we went into the mountains of Swaziland. The air is cool. The fires are cozy. The beds are to collapse in. And the food is enough to gorge yourself on.

Three things I love about this place. 1. Wifi. 2. Dinner and breakfast incuded. 3. It’s away.

I’ll start from the bottom. It’s away. We have found that it’s incredibly and increasingly difficult for us to relax, rejuvenate and connect as a family while staying at home. A lovely hazard of communal living, but still a hazard. Our greatest solution is to be away from home on the days we need some time to ourselves. Forresters’ Arm isn’t so far we have to travel all day, but it’s far enough away that we can’t easily be interrupted.

Dinner and breakfast included. As a special treat for Swazi residents, the owner adds dinner into the discounted price for locals. This is no chintzy dinner. They have a set menu with 2 appetizers, 4 mains, and 2 desserts. All the portion sizes are small, so you could literally have a taste of them all if you like and your stomach can manage. Plus, there’s divinely baked breads and home-presserved jams, veggies and fruits to enjoy. Their dinner is one to linger over. Open a bottle of wine. Stay for tea and coffee. Relax. Take your time. Your seat is yours for the night and you’re invited to be there for so long.

Wifi. No, it’s not because I can just check my email while I’m away. But wifi means several treats. Streaming yoga classes for my body and spirit (a luxury African internet does not often allow me) and the use of our Baby Cloud Monitor. We feed Cedar dinner, tuck her into her luxurious duvet and crib, set the monitor (that uses wifi!), lock the door, and bounce 100 meters to the restaurant. On this Mother’s Day get away, we did just that. Sitting in the restaurant with audio and video to watch our sleeping peanut, while we went on a date. A real date.

Rare are the evenings we get to go out since Cedar’s birth. It’s not that we don’t want to leave her, but that babysitters are limited and places to go within 30 minutes’ drive after 7pm are also very limited. So rare is the evening date. Rare and luxurious.

On this evening, the wine was uncorked. We lingered over an appetizer of salmon slivers on toasted ciabatta slices with cream cheese and herb; spiced lamb curry with fried veggie slices; vegetarian lasagna with feta; plus a dessert of homemade orange ice cream and fluffy chocolate cake. The tea was warm. The lighting low. The conversation hushed. The times good. After leaving the lounge where we’d had our final drink, this tired momma slunk down the rock path to that cozy bed and drifted off.

That afternoon, prior to our delightful dinner, we had planned to take advantage of some other fun things Forresters’ has to offer – babysitter & a horseback ride. With babysitters on staff, we planned to leave Cedar for an hour and head out on horseback to trot around the forest. Alas, our horse plans were thwarted, but a tandem bike enticed us. A tandem bike that originated circa 1971. . .and had a broken seat. . . and only one gear.

It wasn’t past the first speed hump that I went hurtling off the seat, cackling in disbelief as the rear seat had tipped back & dumped me plum off! I climbed back on, righting the seat and trying to sit forward to prevent the seat’s nose from jutting skyward again. No such luck! Sean did the jiggle and wiggle test, but didn’t have any tools, so we decided, “We would keep going,” because to return for tools would mean an utter delay. Plus, I’m always up for a challenge.

Sean switched with me, so I could steer from up front. Steer us I did – straight into the azalea bush 2 feet away. hah! Well, that wasn’t working, so back to our original posts we went.

We made it to the main road and headed uphill. Now, dear friends, I am essentially riding a fireman’s pole. A fireman’s pole. Uphill. While clutching desperately to the handle bars and laughing too hard to care if I’ve peed myself or not. After breathless protests of “No! Really! Stop! I’m going to fall off. I’m falling off!” I surrendered my unheeded shouts & deftly (it actually was deft, which is a stroke of luck if you know me) hopped off the back of the bike. Sean promptly halted the fireman’s pole and we drug that 30 pound beast to the side of the road and collapsed in laughter.

How ridiculous is this? 

How much did we pay to rent this bike? 

Seriously. I couldn’t hold on any longer. 

I just need something to wedge underneath it. 

Our search for the perfect rock ended in finding the multi-purpose water bottle. Tilting the seat slightly more forward than “normal”, we wedged the Klean Kanteen (love these guys!) between the underside of the seat and the bike’s frame. When I plopped my derriere down upon the seat, lo and behold, it stayed! Off we went again. Now I could rest my hands on the handle bars. .. and my feet on the peddles. Let’s be honest, a one-speed tandem bicycle who weighs 30 lbs is not for the mildly in shape mother. That is why I married a-beast-of-a-man who proceeded to haul my behind around town.


The broken-seat-fixing water bottle


Obligatory shot on our tandem bike date.

We walked up hills (we’re not crazy!), coasted down hills, laughed and got greeted by the neighborhood watch who welcomed us to his neighborhood. We sipped water from the bottle/seat and snapped pictures that my WordPress won’t let me upload. With a glance at our watches, we did an about face and headed back to our daughter dear, a warm bath, and playing on the grass.

The rest of our time rolled by gently with gentle ease. We played with Cedar on the grass. We lounged. I napped. Sean napped. I soaked in the bathtub. I read my book. We watched a little tv. We had a screaming child in the wee hours of the night (why does that always happen when you leave home and have 10 neighbors all trying to sleep in?). We rubbed our bleary eyes and stumbled to a gourmet breakfast. We watched fires crackle in their places and headed out before the rain.


Breakfast with the little girl who makes me the happiest momma!

When looking back on the weekend, both Sean & I’s favorite moments came from that ridiculous bike ride. As many parents of young children know (or recall), sometimes the moments you get to discover something new together are more limited with a tiny tot, but we’ve found when we take the hour or three that we get, when we get it and do something different, it’s always a rich reward of laughter, quality time, and just, good memories. A perfect weekend for this woman, wife, and mother.

Categories: Family Life, just for fun, Swaziland Updates | 2 Comments

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